Sometimes

The more I care for you, the more I will protect you. I cannot hold on much longer, or protect the people I love for much longer, if things continue this way, and I cannot see how things will change. I think I have tried had enough, for long enough, with enough u derstanding and lack of it. On a scale of 1 to 10, I am on a scale of my own as I type this.It is a scale of suicide that I type this. Maybe I am so tired I cannot go beyond this night.People drink to feel high; I drink so I know how to cry, so I can feel the pain that is buried so deep inside me I cannot cope. I may not live past this night and I am glad. I don’t want to be anybody’s trouble, burden or lost soul. To the ones I love, know who you are because I love you so very much. So much I would give my life for you but I am not worth much. I would sell my soul for you, to keep you safe and keep you alive as I will not be for long.I am so tired but it is you, those I love, who have kept me alive thus far. Thank you with everything I have because I love you and you like me back.Let me go because I cannot do anything about this, and neither can all of you. I love you. Ee. Thank you elfelf.

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protect me, mademoiselle

The night before I left, I drank a little too much champagne, and became ill a few times before I revealed so much. It seems I’ve forgotten how to cry, even with the help of alcohol.

I remember sitting on the wall, facing the water, the bridge, and the blinking lights of the city at night. Your head in my lap, I spoke.

I’ve stopped taking my sleeping pills too, and the nightmares have returned doubly as though to push me back to the little white tablets. But fear cannot make me bend backwards. Again, I’ve lost appetite, I’ve lost sleep, and I’ve lost weight despite good food on the holiday.

Scale: I cannot tell how low it is, if it’s 0 or in the negative

daunting

“Don’t be afraid of night. Because night will pass and then it will be day.

And then it will be another night you eat champignons with ee.

And another night you eat brussels sprouts with ee

And another night you drink wine with ee.

Remember, the night is not stronger than Eeo.

Eeo is stronger than the night.”

dreams

When I sleep with pills, the body rests, but the mind doesn’t enter REM, and therefore I wake up feeling like I spent the night up.

The first time I slept without, I dreamt that I died. I was with an elf, and he caught me as I fell. I lost consciousness, but I continued breathing. But yet,when I tried to respond as he called out to me, and I watched the chaos unfold with attempts to wake me, I could not do anything. Then I dreamt of my grandma. Not of her exactly though. I dreamt that he pictures had been used for a home. One was of her looking forlorn in a wheelchair, as though for her family to return. The third was a faceshot. And in it, her gaze was cast downward, and she seemed so dejected, so weak, it reminded me of her last, helpless days.

Yesterday, for the second time, I slept without sleeping pills. My second night, my second mistake.

It was a very dark night, with only a few lights coming from the windows of a greyish building. I was young, and with a boy. Together, we explored the area with caution; we had heard of a ghost girl. It took little time before we realised that the ghost girl followed us. She liked the boy I was with. And being who I am, I encouraged him to spend some time with her, to hurt her as little as possible. Then we went into a small room in the building, and we were cutting some pink coloured paper. I could feel her presence. And as I passed it to him, the paper slipped from my hand and fell to ground. Then I watched in horror as my friend reached his stubbed arm to try and pick it up.

As my gaze travelled up, I saw that he had no head. Where his head should have been, there was a bone protruding. And where his hands should have been, they were flat at the wrist. And there he was, still trying to pick up the piece of paper.

With his back to me as he was bent at the waist, I slipped out the door. Then I ran as fast as I could. Then I woke up.

Tonight I will take pills. And I will stop my doctor. I have no money, I have no time, I have no energy. Each time I consult a specialist, I hope he is the one, and the let down only makes me wearier.

Scale: 0

How long, you think?

I asked a simple question, that simply had no answer.

How long, do you think, will I have to fight at night,

while my demons armed with knives, fight light.

 

Scale: 0. No more anti-deps. They made me nauseous yesterday till today, even while I slept. No more.